As I stated in that thread about how we’re coping with the Holocoof, I’ve been replaying one of my favorite series, from Wolf 3D up to New Colossus.
Now, I could theoretically review “classic” Wolfenstein, Wolf 2009, and RtCW, but I’m gonna focus on the 3 rebooted titles for the sake of this boredom-induced project.
It’s also important to note that I’m not going to go into too much detail, in the interest of not spoiling the story.
If people like it for some godforsaken reason, then I’ll do more. If not, well, that’s more free time for me. Between classes and other writing projects and my in-progress Googly Doom let’s play for this site, I’ve got a lot going on. Basically what I’m saying is don’t expect a lot of reviews in rapid succession, if you even care.
Whatever.
Chronologically, the first reboot title is The Old Blood. And it is there that we begin.
Wolfenstein: The Old Blood
The gist of the story is that in 1946, the Nazis are winning WWII, and the Western Allies are becoming desperate. To that end, they send OSA agents William Blazkowicz and Wesley to infiltrate Castle Wolfenstein and steal the location of General Wilhelm “Totenkopf” Strasse’s compound from high ranking member of the SS Paranormal Division, Helga Von Schabbs.
Long story short BJ and Wesley absolutely cock it up and now BJ has to 1) escape Castle Wolfenstein and 2) do his original fucking job, but correctly this time.
The game is divided into two sections; “Rudi Jaeger and the Den of Wolves” (which deals with escaping the Castle) and “The Dark Secret of Helga Von Schabbs” (BJ trying to not suck at being a secret agent the second time around). Frankly, I enjoy the story being split; makes it feel like a double feature or some shit. And come to think of it? The entire game OOZES B movie. But we’ll get into that.
Gameplay is the same as TNO, which came out first; shoot, do basic puzzles, lean around corners to shoot Nazis, etc. The main difference between the two I’ll get into when I talk about TNO, but the main idea is that Old Blood feels more like classic Wolfenstein 3D and Spear of Destiny. One main difference, however, is the pipe (forerunner to TNC’s hatchet). Open grates, climb certain types of stone walls, and bludgeon the fuck out of Nazis in melee with a section of lead pipe that BJ occasionally unscrews into TWO SECTIONS OF LEAD PIPE! Owaolwooaoaoaoa!
Sarcasm aside, finding hidden gold and lore materials through wall climbing is a somewhat unique idea, but it’s also not such a focus that it becomes overdone; MachineGames knew their limits when it came to using the lead pipe in-game, and that shows.
Overall, the only real complaint is the reuse of a trope from TNO (I’ll get into that in TNO section), and the final boss; avoid his hands and hit him in the interim, like that Kirby boss from Superstar (if any fellow SNES players are here).
Verdict is 8/10. Not as good as TNO, but that’s honestly a taste thing and you may like it more. I still recommend it.
Wolfenstein: The New Order
Chronologically the second but the first by release date, TNO begins with an assault on Totenkopf’s compound immediately following the events of Old Blood.
Like everything BJ does he fucks the mission up and the Nazis win WWII.
Fuckin Texans.
Jokes aside, BJ gets severely injured and sent to a mental institution with brain damage, where he falls in love with a nurse while comatose, and later awakes to begin a war on the Nazis along with the remainder of the Kreisau Circle.
In terms of gameplay, it’s less action-oriented than Old Blood; it’s more like a war drama than anything. But as a war drama, it’s great. That trope I mentioned from Old Blood? It makes its first appearance here, and if TNO is the first one you play, it’s NERVE WRACKING AS FUCK. All I’ll say is that you’re on a train, being toyed with. There’s also a heart rending trip to a concentration camp, yet that feels as though it could have been expanded on; it feels like BJ has more monologues to make, more to say, but the entire section lasts maybe 45 minutes.
While we’re on the topic of things TNO did that I actually didn’t enjoy as much or felt were weird, Da’at Yi’chud.
There’s an actual Jewish Conspiracy.
With next-level technology.
In WWII.
Doesn’t that make the Nazis... right...? Doesn’t the existence of Set (a main character) and Da’at Yi’chud almost make the Nazis justified? The assumptions that the existence of this group calls into question almost undermine the entire game should you think too hard about them.
But in the end, minor shit like that doesn’t REALLY unravel the game. TNO is still fantastic, and the best of the 3.
9.5/10.
Wolfenstein: The New Colossus
Oh, good lord.
I don’t even know how to BEGIN on how downhill this game is. Let’s start with the fucking plot, I suppose.
After TNO and the attack on Totenkopf’s compound, BJ and the Kreisau Circle must take care of Frau Irene Engel, the next Nazi “big bad”. To do so, he must contact the American Resistance, crawl through irradiated Manhattan, go to Venus, and... commit murder on national television.
So, let’s start with a list of shit I didn’t like, and a paragraph explaining what I did.
1) Most characters are just caricatures. Look at the resistance leader: SASSY BLACK MOMMA GON KILL SUM NASSIES SLAAAAYYYY QUEEEEN! She felt like a Black Panther stereotype more than an organic character; same for most of the cast.
2) MAJOR inconsistencies. Prime example: killing Bubi at the end of TNO seemingly breaks Frau Engel’s mind; why does she not care in New Colossus? OR EVEN MENTION IT?!
3) Forced comedy and slapstick that breaks the entire tone. The only scene I genuinely laughed at was the KKK members trying to speak German to the Nazi patrolman. (“VHAT AH YOU DOING TO MEIN BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE?!!”)
4) Subplots that go nowhere at all (basically all of them).
5) Stupid gameplay shit, like how everyone but BJ is a bullet sponge. Why is there no level select or NG+? Why does the game take my armor after certain missions just to nerf me for story purposes? Etc.
In the end, I enjoyed a lot of it; Venus and Hitler, riding the Kampfhund, BJ’s pre-execution hallucination killing rampage, his childhood, etc. But the whole isn’t the sum of the good parts, and for every memorable section there’s 6 bad ones.
If you were to theoretically not play any of the 3, make it New Colossus. Weapon mods, slick shooting, brutal takedowns, a handful of good scenes, some awesome twists, and LE HATCHET don’t redeem a severely inferior game.
4.5/10.
And that’s it. No, I will not replay Youngblood. No, I will not review it. No, I will not even THINK about Youngblood. Anyways, those are 3 reviews with a minimum of spoiliops. Hope you enjoyed.
If you didn’t, that’s ok too.
Fuck yourselves <3
Now, I could theoretically review “classic” Wolfenstein, Wolf 2009, and RtCW, but I’m gonna focus on the 3 rebooted titles for the sake of this boredom-induced project.
It’s also important to note that I’m not going to go into too much detail, in the interest of not spoiling the story.
If people like it for some godforsaken reason, then I’ll do more. If not, well, that’s more free time for me. Between classes and other writing projects and my in-progress Googly Doom let’s play for this site, I’ve got a lot going on. Basically what I’m saying is don’t expect a lot of reviews in rapid succession, if you even care.
Whatever.
Chronologically, the first reboot title is The Old Blood. And it is there that we begin.
Wolfenstein: The Old Blood
The gist of the story is that in 1946, the Nazis are winning WWII, and the Western Allies are becoming desperate. To that end, they send OSA agents William Blazkowicz and Wesley to infiltrate Castle Wolfenstein and steal the location of General Wilhelm “Totenkopf” Strasse’s compound from high ranking member of the SS Paranormal Division, Helga Von Schabbs.
Long story short BJ and Wesley absolutely cock it up and now BJ has to 1) escape Castle Wolfenstein and 2) do his original fucking job, but correctly this time.
The game is divided into two sections; “Rudi Jaeger and the Den of Wolves” (which deals with escaping the Castle) and “The Dark Secret of Helga Von Schabbs” (BJ trying to not suck at being a secret agent the second time around). Frankly, I enjoy the story being split; makes it feel like a double feature or some shit. And come to think of it? The entire game OOZES B movie. But we’ll get into that.
Gameplay is the same as TNO, which came out first; shoot, do basic puzzles, lean around corners to shoot Nazis, etc. The main difference between the two I’ll get into when I talk about TNO, but the main idea is that Old Blood feels more like classic Wolfenstein 3D and Spear of Destiny. One main difference, however, is the pipe (forerunner to TNC’s hatchet). Open grates, climb certain types of stone walls, and bludgeon the fuck out of Nazis in melee with a section of lead pipe that BJ occasionally unscrews into TWO SECTIONS OF LEAD PIPE! Owaolwooaoaoaoa!
Sarcasm aside, finding hidden gold and lore materials through wall climbing is a somewhat unique idea, but it’s also not such a focus that it becomes overdone; MachineGames knew their limits when it came to using the lead pipe in-game, and that shows.
Overall, the only real complaint is the reuse of a trope from TNO (I’ll get into that in TNO section), and the final boss; avoid his hands and hit him in the interim, like that Kirby boss from Superstar (if any fellow SNES players are here).
Verdict is 8/10. Not as good as TNO, but that’s honestly a taste thing and you may like it more. I still recommend it.
Wolfenstein: The New Order
Chronologically the second but the first by release date, TNO begins with an assault on Totenkopf’s compound immediately following the events of Old Blood.
Like everything BJ does he fucks the mission up and the Nazis win WWII.
Fuckin Texans.
Jokes aside, BJ gets severely injured and sent to a mental institution with brain damage, where he falls in love with a nurse while comatose, and later awakes to begin a war on the Nazis along with the remainder of the Kreisau Circle.
In terms of gameplay, it’s less action-oriented than Old Blood; it’s more like a war drama than anything. But as a war drama, it’s great. That trope I mentioned from Old Blood? It makes its first appearance here, and if TNO is the first one you play, it’s NERVE WRACKING AS FUCK. All I’ll say is that you’re on a train, being toyed with. There’s also a heart rending trip to a concentration camp, yet that feels as though it could have been expanded on; it feels like BJ has more monologues to make, more to say, but the entire section lasts maybe 45 minutes.
While we’re on the topic of things TNO did that I actually didn’t enjoy as much or felt were weird, Da’at Yi’chud.
There’s an actual Jewish Conspiracy.
With next-level technology.
In WWII.
Doesn’t that make the Nazis... right...? Doesn’t the existence of Set (a main character) and Da’at Yi’chud almost make the Nazis justified? The assumptions that the existence of this group calls into question almost undermine the entire game should you think too hard about them.
But in the end, minor shit like that doesn’t REALLY unravel the game. TNO is still fantastic, and the best of the 3.
9.5/10.
Wolfenstein: The New Colossus
Oh, good lord.
I don’t even know how to BEGIN on how downhill this game is. Let’s start with the fucking plot, I suppose.
After TNO and the attack on Totenkopf’s compound, BJ and the Kreisau Circle must take care of Frau Irene Engel, the next Nazi “big bad”. To do so, he must contact the American Resistance, crawl through irradiated Manhattan, go to Venus, and... commit murder on national television.
So, let’s start with a list of shit I didn’t like, and a paragraph explaining what I did.
1) Most characters are just caricatures. Look at the resistance leader: SASSY BLACK MOMMA GON KILL SUM NASSIES SLAAAAYYYY QUEEEEN! She felt like a Black Panther stereotype more than an organic character; same for most of the cast.
2) MAJOR inconsistencies. Prime example: killing Bubi at the end of TNO seemingly breaks Frau Engel’s mind; why does she not care in New Colossus? OR EVEN MENTION IT?!
3) Forced comedy and slapstick that breaks the entire tone. The only scene I genuinely laughed at was the KKK members trying to speak German to the Nazi patrolman. (“VHAT AH YOU DOING TO MEIN BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE?!!”)
4) Subplots that go nowhere at all (basically all of them).
5) Stupid gameplay shit, like how everyone but BJ is a bullet sponge. Why is there no level select or NG+? Why does the game take my armor after certain missions just to nerf me for story purposes? Etc.
In the end, I enjoyed a lot of it; Venus and Hitler, riding the Kampfhund, BJ’s pre-execution hallucination killing rampage, his childhood, etc. But the whole isn’t the sum of the good parts, and for every memorable section there’s 6 bad ones.
If you were to theoretically not play any of the 3, make it New Colossus. Weapon mods, slick shooting, brutal takedowns, a handful of good scenes, some awesome twists, and LE HATCHET don’t redeem a severely inferior game.
4.5/10.
And that’s it. No, I will not replay Youngblood. No, I will not review it. No, I will not even THINK about Youngblood. Anyways, those are 3 reviews with a minimum of spoiliops. Hope you enjoyed.
If you didn’t, that’s ok too.
Fuck yourselves <3
